Even though I don’t smoke, I still love stoner food. And by stoner food, I mean shit that you put together just because it sounds like it would be ah-mazing. In my opinion stoner food is not pretentious, healthy, or held to the “must be organic” rule. As a matter of fact, some of the best foods to eat while you’re high are full of fat, salt, sugar, and GMOs…think about the deep fried Oreo or the Krispy Kreme burger.
I haven’t smoked in over 10 years but I still remember the satiating feeling that a medium well double bacon cheesburger with light mayo, ketchup, on a buttered bun can give. I still can appreciate the beauty of smashing an entire basket of hot yeast rolls with whipped butter at O’Charley’s and asking for another basket when your meal comes out. All of this is because in my heart I am fat. And by fat, I am not speaking of my physical form- though I am chubby, I am actually speaking to my appetite for yummy and fattening foods.
In addition to also being fat to my core, both figuratively and actually, I am also not rich. I have what some may call Champagne taste and Kool Aid Money. With the combination of these 2 things, I am able to put together some pretty tasty shit that doesn’t cost a lot of money. I will admit though that as a rule, I do like to spend more on groceries and cook things from scratch rather than out of a box. But sometimes when that junk food spirit hits you, you just cannot say no. For my 9 year old, this generally works out in her favor as most kids can appreciate junk food more than adults. Think bagel bites. Gross.
So today, while we were in the grocery, she adamantly insists that we get a frozen pizza and that I make it “special” for her. Even though I was not in the mood for a frozen pizza, I obliged her request. She was so excited that she started dancing in the frozen food aisle at Kroger. I know that response seems a little much just for a frozen pizza but her celebratory dance was completely justified for 3 reasons: 1. She dances all the time anywhere for any reason. 2. We have not had a frozen pizza in FOREVER. And 3. Our special frozen pizza is the bomb.
Now I know once you guys see what I do, a lot of you all will say “maaaaan, I already do that!” which is completely fine. Just know that if you already know this little tweak to make your frozen pizza palatable and borderline gourmet that you are, like me, probably fat.
Now…to the pizza!
One of the key steps to making stoner food is that it must be easy to make. Everybody who has ever smoked weed, or knows anything about weed smokers knows that both coordination and memory go out the window once you’re baked. The last thing you need to do while being high and hungry is try and take on a Julia Childs recipe, though it will be absolutely delicious (maybe), your high will be completely blown (absolutely). This “recipe” is super easy and quick. It’s actually so easy, my kid can do it. No, really, she helps me make this all of the time, it’s a damn frozen pizza not scratch pie dough!
First things first, (I Papa, freaks all the honeys) are the “ingredients”.
You can use your favorite frozen pizza, butter, shredded cheese, and garlic. (I normally use oregano and basil but we ran out.) We used a Red Baron thin crust 5 cheese pizza and whatever shredded cheese we had on hand. Any melting cheese works fine, Italian blend pre shredded cheese is my favorite for this. *Pro tip: adding other toppings like browned breakfast sausage/hamburger, bacon, left over chicken, jalapeno or banana peppers, spinach, various kinds of cheeses, etc is always a good way to make your own pizza on a budget even if you aren’t inebriated.*
Pre-heat your oven to the suggested temperature on the pizza box. Halfway through the cooking time, remove the pizza from the oven, but do not turn the oven off.
Sprinkle your cheese and garlic powder on top of the pizza. If you are adding other toppings, do so now. Next cut small slivers of butter and place them on top of the pizza. I used about a tablespoon to a tablespoon and a half. Place the pizza back into the hot oven.
While the pizza is still cooking and after the butter has melted, I spread it all over the pizza with the back of a spoon so that it is distributed evenly and to keep it from pooling. If you are using margarine and not butter, you may notice this more. You don’t have to do this step, it’s just something I like to do especially on cheese pizzas.
After that, it’s just a matter of time before your pie is done and you can obliterate it once it comes out of the oven.